" MOM'S 1 YEAR

ANNIVERSARY "

Today marks 1 year since my mother passed away, and it brings this immense sorrow in my heart just remeniscing that awful January morning.

When i close my eyes all i can picture is her face with no life as she laid in her hospital bed at home already dead... Her countenance looked as if she was worried about something or even us.

Although she was dark skinded her skin was very pale white that morning, her skin was cold, her feet were purple and our hearts died with her also.

Surprisingly i couldnt cry at the moment it didnt want to register in my head that she was actually gone and since my sister was weeping uncontrollably by my mothers side my first reaction was to try and comfort her.

I didnt have a clue of what to do i guess you can say that i was in shock.

I didnt know what else to do so i called the Hospice people to come and get my mother so that they can prepare her body for the funeral, but before i called anyone i called my best friend Mayra who was in my house like 7 minutes after me calling her to let her know what had happend ( Shes an amazing best friend btw )

after all the phone calls i had made some family and friends showed up that morning to support our family.

Feeling completely numb to everything and everyone i felt God kept me through it all. even though i was nervous, cold & numb i was still sane thanks to him.

I would often wonder how people would stay so strong when someone so close as a mother or father would pass away but now i understand that the strength is given at the precise moment when it is mostly needed.

I felt as if i was in a bubble where the madness was around me but because i was being covered by his strength i felt nothing...

I know this may not make any sense to whoever is reading this but when your time comes to experience pain the way i did you will know what im talking about.

Today i rememeber my mother as a very compassionate, strong giving woman, someone who was always there in the time of need and trouble happy or sad... I dont just say this because she was my mother but because its the Honest to God truth!

She was extremely loved by many and although she didnt leave me valuable expensive material things nor money i believe that her inheritance to me was the love she experienced herself.

Im not boasting or being conceited about anything but because of Gods infinite favor i am highly loved genuinely as she was.... That inhertance is more valuable than any material thing or money to me.

She remained so strong to the very end and died in such a great way which was

#1 in Christ and

#2 in her sleep...

I say this all the time and i will never get tired of repeating it over and over because its the truth.

I couldnt have asked for a more perfect mother... and today both she and I can rest secure that we will see one another again... ( John 16:22 )

REST IN PARADISE MOM....

" RETROSPECTIVE OF LIFE "

2010 Ahhhh yes its recorded in my journal as the worst year of my life!

why? for numerous reasons...

#1 The death of my impeccable mother

#2 The death of one of my favorite cousin's and

#3 The realization of who people really are and what they mean to me.

Those are just 3 major reasons because if i was to write them all down I'll probably exceed my limit of 500 blogs! ( Greedy Blogspot )

Yeah its that many......

I recall someone once telling me that i was a pessimist and i got so defensive when they said that to me because they said what i never wanted to hear someone say about me.

As hard as it was for me to admit it I finally did. I would argue with this person and deny that i was not who they were claiming me to be, but now that ive admit it to myself and others i feel a hell of alot better and ive become optimistic of certain things that i would not normally be of.

It feels weird but im not complaining. I guess admitting the truth has set me free...

which proves God's word to be true by the way.

I never had a problem admitting things at all, but since my mother passed away I felt the need to portray this amazingly strong woman to people so that they wouldnt think that i was weak.

Why did i want people to think that way of me?

I truly have no clue whatsoever!

I could say this though it was a stupid decision to make. I would find myself crying my entire heart out at nights and almost gagging about to pass out of how much and how hard i would cry.

I know i will never get over the death of my mother because it impacted me in such a huge way and of course its natural to feel that way because she was my mother...

It still hurts to remember her and other things that went on this past year and it will always will i know that for sure.

My life has always been an emotional rollercoaster thats why i constantly say i live up to my name which is Dolores aka pain.

I have to admit that some of the things that i go through are only because i choose to go through them.. I really could save myself the heartache but the rush that it gives me has become a feel good factor for me. Yes its a sad thing to say.. But we all have some weird habits to break!

Anywho this year when i look back at the end of the year i would for once like to say 2011 was one heck of a year and scream at the top of my lungs..

" IT WAS THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!!!! "

( Just this once plz GOD! )

" MY CHRISTMAS WISH LIST"

So I have sat around and thought about all the gifts i would like to receive this Christmas.

And here they are!

;D

" SWEET BLACK ACOUSTIC GUITAR "

NUFF SAID!!! I MEAN LOOK AT THIS BEAUTY!!!

Surprisingly i really like Fergie's Avon perfume!
it smells pretty awesome!



Im not saying I Love Comic books but theres something about them that

catches my attention and this is exactly what this Bible did to me.

It catched my attention so now I want it!!!

FRIDA!!!
I can surely relate to Fridas painful/love story without a doubt!

When life overwhelmes you theres nothing better than to get away from it all..

and Julia Roberts does an amazing job in this Movie..

its a must have!

Marc Jacobs you're a Heart Breaker!

not only because it says my name but this perfume is one of the greatest smells i have ever

smelled! I have to have it this year!

Mac!!! I Love You!!!

gotta have my Mac make up!

Of course an itunes gift card is a must!

And so i admit it i Like Jessica Simpson!!!

so i WANT HER NEW CHRISTMAS CD!

SO WHAT???!!!!

?????????

I FEEL LIKE A SCRATCHED RECORD AT TIMES REPEATING MY SELF OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND DID I MENTION I REPEAT MYSELF OVER AND OVER AGAIN??!

IVE COME TO REALIZE NOW THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE NEVER GOING TO CHANGE NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY PROMISE YOU THAT THEY WILL..

I TRY TO GIVE THIS ONE PERSON IN MY LIFE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT EVERYTIME BUT IT SEEMS POINTLESS.

THEY STILL LIE IN MY FACE AND SEEM TO BE OKAY WITH IT.

THEY SAY THAT THEY CARE, THEY SAY THAT THEY LOVE ME, THAT THEY WANT TO CHANGE ETC... BUT THEIR ACTIONS SHOW OTHERWISE.

I CANT HELP SOMEONE WHO DOESNT REALLY WANT TO BE HELPED.

EVEN IF IT SOUNDS LIKE THERES SINCERITY IN THEIR PROMISES OR EVEN THOUGH THEIR TEARS RUN DOWN THEIR FACE I STILL THINK THEY LIE TO ME.

I NOW EVEN THINK ITS NOTTHAT PERSON WHO NEEDS HELP ITS ME!

FOR LETTING THAT ONE PERSON TAKE A TOLL ON ME THAT WAY.

I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO BUT THE LOVE THAT I HAVE FOR THAT PERSON DOESNT LET ME LEAVE...

I KNOW THAT IM ONLY HURTING MYSELF BUT AS SILLY AS IT SOUNDS ID RATHER HURT MYSELF THAN HURT THAT PERSON WHOM I LOVE EVEN THOUGH THEY DONT DESERVE IT AT ALL.

AND WHO AM I TO SAY WHAT PEOPLE DESERVE OR WHAT THEY DONT?

IM NOT GOD!!!!

BUT I KNOW ITS ALL MY FAULT AND NOBODY ELSES.... AND EVEN THOUGH IM CARRYING EVERYONES BURDEN ON ME AND ITS WEIGHING ME DOWN ITS MY CHOICE TO PROCEED WITH IT...

MY NIGHTS HAVE BECOME COLDER AND MY EYES GET PUFFY AS I SLEEP ON WET PILLOWS THINKING TO MYSELF.....

THE SAME LOVE THAT MAKES ME LAUGH

MAKES ME CRY.......

" SHEDDING MY LAYERS "

Have you ever wondered why every time you peel or cut an onion your eyes cry??

My Theory?

We are the Onions and God is the peeler/cutter...

With each layer that is peeled away from us our tears spring out and God gets closer to our heart...

every layer that is peeled away from us is rotten by our lives choices/actions.

Which is why every single time God peels away a layer it hurts and causes us to cry.

We as humans hold on to this life as if it were the only thing keeping us alive.

Im guilty of that myself!

I wont lie because its pointless.With every layer removed it is one step closer to GOD!

One level higher and One day more to LIVE!

Im not perfect nor am i even near it nor will i ever be and nor do i want to be either.

But i do one day want to be free..

Free of myself.....

And as God continues to peel away my layers and as my tears continue to fall from my eyes as it continues to hurt inside...

I will let him be even if my flesh is reluctant to do so...

Because i can not do this without him.

I may not have the best track record with him but i know im not the only one struggling in life and with my flesh.

I battle with my flesh on a daily basis and it gets exhausting battling a battle I do not know how to fight on my own.

I hope to one day get to that place where i no longer have to fight.

but right now i admit that my life is mess a total wreck.

And even though i know what to do and choose not to do will one day catch up to me i just hope its not to late and Gods mercy is still extended towards me.

To end this piece im leaving you the reader a sample of the book named

" THE BRIDE"

A book written for young ladies who struggle with insecurities and identity in Christ!

ENJOY AND RECEIVE!

" O my Beloved, I have nothing to bargain with.

I have nothing to offer you. There is nothing good within me that could attract your attention. There is nothing i can do or say that would motivate you to come.

I am at your mercy. I surrender! I surrender to your perfect will."

IF I COULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT MY LIFE THE TITLE ABOVE WILL FIT PERFECTLY TO IT.. BITTER SWEET

I SOMETIMES WONDER WHY MY MOTHER CHOSE TO NAME ME THE WAY SHE DID.

DID SHE REALLY LIKE THAT NAME OR DID SHE FEEL PAIN IN HER LIFE FOR REAL?

ITS A QUESTION THAT WILL REMAIN UNANSWERED FOR NOW.

MY LIFE HAS BEEN BITTER SWEET...MORE BITTER THAN SWEET THAT IS.

WHEN I WAS LITTLE I WOULD PRETTY MUCH GET ALL THAT I WANTED FROM MY PARENTS.

EVEN NOW I STILL DO GET SPOILED AT TIMES BY MY DAD.

BUT EVER SINCE MY MOM PASSED AWAY SO MANY THINGS HAVE CHANGED INCLUDING MY FATHER... MANY SAY THAT HOW HE IS ACTING IS A WAY OF COPING WITH MY MOTHER'S DEATH.

I HIGHLY DISAGREE.....

I KNOW THAT SADNESS AT TIMES CAUSES FRUSTRATION AND FRUSTRATION CAUSES ANGER TO RISE INSIDE, BUT IM BAFFLED AT HOW DEPRESSION COULD MAKE SOMEONE SO BITTER TO THE POINT THAT THE PERSON IS INTOLERABLE.

MY FATHER COULD BE THE SWEETEST MAN IF HE WANTED TO BUT HE CHOOSES NOT TO AND I WONDER WHY?

I UNDERSTAND HE HAS LOST THE ONE PERSON WHO ACCEPTED HIM WITH ALL HIS FLAWS BUT HE HAS TURNED INTO THE MOST SOUREST OF A MAN...

GOD GAVE US FREE WILL MEANING WE HAVE THE CHOICE!

THE CHOICE TO SERVE OR NOT TO SERVE

THE CHOICE TO LOVE OR THE CHOICE TO HATE ETC....

BUT WE BEING HUMAN LIKE TO TAKE THE HEAVY LOADS ON US AND REBEL WITH WHO WE CAN BE.

IM GUILTY OF IT DONT GET ME WRONG BUT SOMETIMES THE WEIGHT OF TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HIM GETS SO HEAVY I MUCH RATHER GIVE UP ON HIM.

BUT WOULD GOD GIVE UP ON ME??

I THINK NOT SO WHO AM I TO GIVE UP ON HIM?

IM THE ONE WHO HAS TO ACCEPT PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE ESPECIALLY MY DAD!

ITS A BITTER SWEET FEELING INSIDE OF ME!

LOVE???

LOVE??

AH YES THE INFAMOUS WORD GIRLS SIGH ABOUT WHEN IT IS MENTIONED.

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE LOVE IS OVER RATED AND LOVE NOW A DAYS JUST ISNT REAL ANYMORE.

THE MEANING IS COMPLETELY LOST ALONG WITH ITS PURPOSE.

PEOPLE OFTEN THINK THEY ARE IN LOVE GET MARRIED THEN DIVORCE YEARS LATER TO FIND OUT THAT IT WAS ALL AN ILLUSION AND NOTHING MORE.

THAT HAS GOT TO SUCK BIG TIME!

I GUESS THATS WHY GOD SAYS IT BETTER NOT TO MARRY.

WELL IM SURE THATS NOT EXACTLY THE PURPOSE OF HIM SAYING THAT.

THAT IS JUST WHAT I CHOOSE TO THINK...

BUT LOVE HIT ME HARD THIS AKWARD YEAR SO I CANT EVEN FRONT ABOUT IT.

I HATE TO ADMIT IT BECAUSE IM NOT ONE TO ADMIT MY FEELINGS OUT IN THE OPEN LIKE THAT AND ESPECIALLY ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS.

BUT THIS TIME LOVE HAS TAKEN A HOLD OF MY HEART....

YES I ADMIT IT NO SHAME IN THAT IS THERE??

NAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

THIS PERSON HAS OCCUPIED MY THOUGHTS AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER WHICH IS MY HEART....

THIS PERSON CAGED MY HEART INSIDE THEIRS AND NO ONE HAS GOTTEN TO IT LIKE THIS PERSON HAS.

I STILL TO THIS DAY CANT BELIEVE HOW MUCH I HAVE ALLOWED THEM TO COME INTO MY HEART THAT WAY.

THE KIND OF LOVE THIS PERSON GIVES TO ME FEELS DYNAMICALLY, INSANELY GOOD TO ME.

ITS INDESCRIBABLE.....

THEIR LOVE IS LIKE AN ERASER THAT ERASES MY PAST DISAPPOINTMENTS IN LOVE.

PERHAPS ITS THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE THIS PERSON GIVES TO ME OR HOW KNOWING IM UNWORTHY OF THEIR LOVE THIS PERSON STILL OFFERS IT FREELY AND UNDOUBTINGLY.... IMAGINE A LOVE LIKE THAT!

SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE HUH??

WELL THATS BECAUSE UNFORTUNATELY IT IS.... =(

HOW I WISH I WAS A ROCK SO THAT I CAN NOT FEEL THIS LOVE THAT RUNS THROUGH MY VEINS PUMPING MY HEART WITH LOVE NO MORE...

BUT DO I REALLY WANT THAT???

NOT AT ALL!!!!!

THE SWEET TASTE AND THE RUSH OF THEIR LOVE HAS ME WANTING MORE.

AND HERE I AM RAMBLING ABOUT THIS CRAZY LOVE........

THE LOVE I CANT LET GO OF EVER.

I LOVE YOU STARFISH!